Monday, October 6, 2008

Panic and Frustration

So i am trying to make sence of all this stuff thats going on in my life. I find that im so frustrated with who i am. Its been July since the last time i blogged. I have moved to Greenfield MA and studying photography.

I have tried to accept myself from being mormon and gay. I thought if id come out i would be happy, but im so frustrated with my back guilt. I know god loves me but i still feel like he may hate me for giving in.

I have been seeing this boy. He is a nice guy but not my type. I have never been in a relationship, so how do go about as to letting him go. He is 18 years old and just still a bit inmature.

School is stressing me out. I feel like everyone is doing better around me and im not as good as them. Everyone at home who told me i was good must have been lying cuz the students here are so much better than me.

I was so frustrated and paniced with all thats going on that i was riding home with my room mate and told her i felt like i wanted to do drugs even though i have never touched the stuff. she said she had weed and i said cool, im doing it.
That was crazy. I fetl like i didn't get a high at all just a burnt throwt. I coughed and felt like vomiting and then instead of a high, i just became more panic. I started pacing and feel like i need to be alone yet i need to be doing something productive. I feel like im wasting time.
I went to the CVS down the road and bought some hair die hoping that would pass some time. on the way home i started freaking out as if someone was following me. I started to run and when I got to the apartment i opened up the door and my roommate was on the other side and i freaked out. My heart was beating so fast.

Whats wrong with me why can't i find happiness? God said its in the gosple, but even with that im miserable.