tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-80670893346878956412024-02-08T06:55:38.142-08:00Panic and FrustrationDene82http://www.blogger.com/profile/15385712015747816319noreply@blogger.comBlogger1125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8067089334687895641.post-66624837921848448232008-10-06T17:21:00.000-07:002008-10-06T17:33:04.781-07:00Panic and FrustrationSo i am trying to make sence of all this stuff thats going on in my life. I find that im so frustrated with who i am. Its been July since the last time i blogged. I have moved to Greenfield MA and studying photography.<br /><br />I have tried to accept myself from being mormon and gay. I thought if id come out i would be happy, but im so frustrated with my back guilt. I know god loves me but i still feel like he may hate me for giving in.<br /><br />I have been seeing this boy. He is a nice guy but not my type. I have never been in a relationship, so how do go about as to letting him go. He is 18 years old and just still a bit inmature.<br /><br />School is stressing me out. I feel like everyone is doing better around me and im not as good as them. Everyone at home who told me i was good must have been lying cuz the students here are so much better than me.<br /><br />I was so frustrated and paniced with all thats going on that i was riding home with my room mate and told her i felt like i wanted to do drugs even though i have never touched the stuff. she said she had weed and i said cool, im doing it.<br />That was crazy. I fetl like i didn't get a high at all just a burnt throwt. I coughed and felt like vomiting and then instead of a high, i just became more panic. I started pacing and feel like i need to be alone yet i need to be doing something productive. I feel like im wasting time.<br />I went to the CVS down the road and bought some hair die hoping that would pass some time. on the way home i started freaking out as if someone was following me. I started to run and when I got to the apartment i opened up the door and my roommate was on the other side and i freaked out. My heart was beating so fast.<br /><br />Whats wrong with me why can't i find happiness? God said its in the gosple, but even with that im miserable.Dene82http://www.blogger.com/profile/15385712015747816319noreply@blogger.com0